Hi, I'm Victor.

Every year around my birthday, I write a list of lessons — one for every year I’ve been alive. 

Last week, I turned 40.

That number carries more weight. The end of a decade and the start of “mid-life.” So this is a bit more of a checkpoint — a chance to pause for a little longer, look around, and try to name some of the deeper patterns beneath the surface of a rich mix of work, life, relationships, and growth. Whether you’ve been in my life for a day, a year, or the entire decade, you’ve left a mark. I often feel like I’ve won the lottery because of the people around me. Thank you.

Alright, let’s begin:

40 Lessons from Turning 40

1. Not everything you feel needs to be solved. Sometimes it just wants to be noticed.
   
2. The goal isn’t to have less fear. It’s to fear less important things.
   
3. There’s no perfect version of you. Just show up, keep learning, and offer others grace to do the same.
   
4. Make joy a requirement, not a reward.
   
5. Your body was made for more than just sitting or walking from one thing to the next. Dance, ride, run, sweat, and do things that make your heart beat faster in the best ways.
   
6. Health isn’t just about exercise. It’s relationships, finances, mind, and spirit.
   
7. Sometimes it’s not burnout, it’s resentment.
   
8. When you’re tired, simplify. When you’re overwhelmed, step back. Clarity often comes from space.
   
9. If you’re not choosing how to spend your time, someone else is choosing for you. That’s how people lose years without realizing it.
   
10. Start the morning with something that isn’t a screen. A walk. A journal. A book. A moment of quiet.
    
11. Build rhythms that help you become who you’re trying to be. These are like scaffolding for your character.
    
12. The more responsibility you carry, the more thoughtful you need to be about rest.
    
13. Financial freedom has less to do with hitting a number and more to do with needing less in the first place.
    
14. Most of the world’s messes come from wanting more than we need. The same is true inside of us.
    
15. Fill your home with reminders of what you care about. Your heart and mind follow your eyes.
    
16. If you feel lost in your career, return to something that makes you come alive — even if just for an hour.
    
17. Every so often, block a few days just to go for a long walk. Walk for hours. Even days. Pack light and sleep in nature. It’s one of the best resets there is.
    
18. Don’t rush a transition. The in-between is where so much of the most important work happens. It’s where you find the best next step.
    
19. When you lose something, don’t replace it too quickly. Some things return on their own. Some don’t. And that’s ok.
    
20. When a friend passes away, don’t rush to move on. Grieve…with others…as much as you need. It won’t bring your friend back, but remembering them is honoring them.
    
21. Forgiveness isn’t a moment in time. It’s a practice.
    
22. You are not the chatter in your mind. But it is trying to tell you something. Pay attention, just don’t believe all of it.
    
23. You can’t heal what you won’t name.
    
24. If something isn’t working, listen. Action without understanding is the beginning of destruction.
    
25. Things can feel all wrong on the outside and still be okay on the inside. They can also look just fine on the outside while everything inside is falling apart. Start with the inside.
    
26. Being busy isn’t the same as being valuable. Learn the difference.
    
27. If you can’t say it simply, you don’t understand it yet.
    
28. Great leaders don’t have all the answers. They bring people together to wrestle with the right questions and then move forward.
    
29. Leadership doesn’t begin with vision — it begins with listening.
    
30. Inheriting a team is harder than building one. There’s history there. Be patient with them and yourself.
    
31. Good partnerships aren’t about perfect balance. They’re about shared weight and honest, ongoing communication.
    
32. You can love someone deeply and still ask more of them.
    
33. A clear “no” is one of the kindest things you can offer someone.
    
34. How you hand things off is as valuable as how you build things.
    
35. When things break, don’t just rebuild the same thing. Build something better.
    
36. Not everything needs to scale. Some things are beautiful because they are small.
    
37. Thank the people who do the small, quiet things. They hold everything up.
    
38. Celebrate more often. Host the dinner. Write the card. Give the small gift. Most people are carrying more than they let on. A little joy goes a long way.
    
39. The bravest people are usually the most consistent.
    
40. Most Leaps don’t begin with fanfare. They start quietly — a thought, a conversation, a choice. You can start today.

Here’s to the next decade of learning, growing, and building what matters…together.

Love,
Victor

[ Posted on Linkedin here. ]

Every year around my birthday, I review my journal entries, stories, and writings from the prior year to create a list of personal lessons about life and work. Sharing them with you has become one of my favorite traditions over the past decade.

This one is coming a little later due to my recent trek to the Camino de Santiago, but it’s finally ready. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoy writing them. Let’s dive in:

1. Host more celebrations. Milestones are just as important as beginnings and endings. 
2. Create space for longer meetups with your closest friends. Long walks, full days, overnighters. Some of the most important conversations happen after you seemingly run out of things to talk about. 
3. Outdoing others is helpful every once in a while. But sometimes, underdoing others is just as helpful. 
4. Look up more often. Most of our days are spent looking down, often at some screen, which can make your world seem small and your problems huge. Looking skyward flips that.
5. Your relationship with money is a garden. Tend to it often, or it will be taken over by things you never wanted and don’t belong there. 
6. Give away your time well. Be all-in when you’re with someone. Then work to recharge fully. 
7. A Leap is as much about where you are as it is where you want to be. Start by understanding what’s here and now and why you need to shift. 
8. If you’ve wronged someone, do whatever you can to make it right. Most of the work starts with either forgiving yourself or letting go of the grudge. Then (and only then), can you address the other person. If they’re no longer here, find a way to forgive and move forward. Let it go. 
9. If you have any inkling to give something away, do it. You’ll rarely regret it and it’ll help you strengthen two core tenets of a full life: hold things more loosely and share things more freely. 
10. Go to the doctor sooner than you think you should. 
11. When your back is against the ropes, you can either fight back or leave the arena. Both are fine options. The one thing you should avoid is only fighting partially — that’s when you get knocked out. 
12. Preparation is as important as participation. 
13. If everything you do is a dramatic save, you (and your relationships) won’t last long. Learn to do things in your life more easefully. And don’t just make it look easy, actually make it easier.
14. The more things you make easier to do, the more headspace you have for new and meaningful challenges.
15. No team or company will really thrive without a consistent management operating system. If it’s not clear, consistent, and accepted by all, it will fail.
16. Take a sabbatical as soon as you think you might need one. There is no perfect time.
17. Open your home as often as you can. Host visitors, travelers, and even the occasional stranger. They’ll lead to some of your most beautiful relationships. 
18. Your mental chatter will eventually spill out onto the people you love most. This is why inner work is so important. Be kind to yourself. 
19. Would your younger self be proud of who you are today? If the answer is yes, celebrate. If it’s no, make a change. 
20. Learn to laugh at things that once seemed annoying or frustrating. The lighter you hold those things, the sweeter life will be. 
21. If you need a change, give yourself a timeframe and then begin. Life can change faster than you think.
    
22. You probably need more boundaries. Share yourself a little less. Care about everything a little less. 
23. Care for your colleagues and clients as people first. Whether or not they can do anything for you should have nothing to do with how you treat them.
24. Pay attention to the rituals of your life, especially the unconscious ones. (ie: if you’re on your phone first thing in the morning, that’s a ritual.) Try to only keep the rituals you would teach to your best friend’s kids.
25. Attend more theater, even if you’re not a theatre person. Find ways to experience other people taking a live stage. Let yourself get lost in art that fully unfolds right before your eyes. 
26. Every once in a while, give gifts that are designed to be shared with others. Helping people tap into their generous spirit is good for everyone. 
27. Nothing is for everyone. The sooner you realize that, the more free you’ll be. 
28. Our minds are a series of paths, holes, and ladders. Sometimes you fall into a hole and that’s ok. The goal is to learn to build and use ladders for those moments. 
29. Your strongest desire is not always your deepest desire. 
30. You’ll never connect deeply with someone if you don’t remain genuinely curious about them. Once you stop being curious is when you’ll begin to drift apart.
31. You’ll never know the joy of kindness if you can’t first feel and relate to someone else’s hurt.
32. If your mind is in overdrive, stop trying to solve things and listen instead. Understanding leads to peace.
33. If you think you really want something, imagine getting it. Then imagine the feeling of getting it. What is the *feeling* you think that thing will give you? Are there any other ways to get to that place?  
34. Every so often, look back at your recent work and critique it as if you are that person’s manager. How would you encourage them? What feedback would you give? Then do the same for your current projects. Leading yourself is harder than leading others. 
35. Supplements are rarely the answer to whatever you’re facing. They can help, but they have to accommodate the real work. 
36. If there’s a part of yourself you dislike, you’ll never change. Get to know that part like you’d get to know your best friend. All personal growth starts with acceptance.
37. Do things that make you smile more. Go for a hike, race a car, stay in a nice hotel room, eat strawberries and cream on a summer night, read a book in a park until you doze off.
38. If you are always rushing to a destination, you’re missing some of the best parts. 
39. Write regularly. Then, each year, see what themes emerge and use them as a clue for what you need to start, continue, or stop doing next.

If you’re reading this, thanks for being in my life for another year. Grateful for you.

– Victor

On Monday, I turned 38. If you’ve been following Wednesday Words, you know I use my birthday to write lessons from the prior year. Inspired by Kevin Kelly, I’ve done this for the past 7 years without fail.

To create the list, I pour over my journal entries, calendar events, photos, etc. It takes time, but it’s one of my favorite practices. And sharing them with you is a treat.

With that said, here are 37 lessons from being 37. I hope they help you in some small way.

1. Do whatever it takes to sleep more. A few things that have (finally) started working for me: stop eating or drinking three hours before bed, keep my room cold/dark/quiet, and go to sleep around the same time each night. A little cbd helps when traveling. These changes have made a world of difference.
   
2. Everyone should take an introduction to sailing course. The parallel lessons for life and work are amazing.
   
3. One of the ways you can measure the richness of your community is by the age-gap between your youngest and oldest friends. The wider the gap, the fuller your life will be and the more you’ll learn along the way.
   
4. Buying a home is wildly stressful. All parties involved have the power to make the transaction more delightful. Remember you’re after the same things: a good home, a fair price, and minimizing stress where you can.
   
5. Book more empty days.
   
6. Your mind is always bouncing between today, tomorrow, and someday. All three are ok, but the more you focus on today, the happier you’ll be.
   
7. Committing to an idea before you get feedback is like sprinting through a pitch-black room — you’re going to hit something and it’s going to hurt. Feedback sheds light and confirms you’re on the right (or wrong) path.
   
8. The first year of doing anything new is going to be a learning year. Give yourself extra grace for all 12 of those months. Don’t rush it.
   
9. Your life moves at the pace of what & how much you want.
   
10. “Disposable” items are killing us. Work to buy things you’re able to use for a long time and care for well. And whatever you’re not caring for, give away or sell. One of the best things we can do is rethink how to maintain and appreciate what we have.
    
11. Career change is the new normal. Keep expanding your toolbox for when you’re ready or the time comes.
    
12. The companies who teach career navigation tools will be the best places to work because their employees will feel more trust, be more engaged, and stick around longer.
    
13. If you’re in any type of serious relationship, get a counselor (yes, even if you’re not engaged/married, and even if everything seems ok). If your car needs professional maintenance every few thousand miles, why wouldn’t your relationship?
    
14. There are usually four steps to take before making a decision: ask the right question, gather data, summarize your findings, and then reflect on how the possible outcome makes you feel. Skipping any of these can lead to poor decisions.
    
15. The success of any endeavor is based on whether or not someone can really envision the outcome. If you can’t create a clear and meaningful image, you won’t achieve your goal.
    
16. Remember you can always feel better. Always.
    
17. Quick ways of feeling better are usually vices. Sustainable ways of feeling better often require research, discomfort (at first), and consistency; but they’ll last. Take the time to learn what works for you. Start today.
    
18. Be a loyal friend for a long time. Keep showing up. It makes for a full life and a more caring world.
    
19. You can evaluate your relationship with your work based on how quickly you can switch into rest-mode. The longer it takes, the more off-balance you are.
    
20. When you’re entering a business relationship with anyone, make money-discussions a normal part of the conversations. Pay attention to any yellow flags. How someone handles their money says a lot about how they’ll work with you.
    
21. Address pains in your body asap. Don’t wait to get an opinion on what might be happening. Do the same for your mental wellness.
    
22. When you watch athletes at the top of their game, there is a clear delineation between player and coach (or manager). As you grow your endeavors, be clear about who you want to be. You can do both for a while, but it’s unsustainable in the long-run.
    
23. Worry really doesn’t help. Do what you can, and try to carry it lightly. You’ll probably get to the same outcome and feel better at the end.
    
24. Don’t celebrate until it happens.
    
25. If you’ve been putting off a small, important project in your home or work for a long time — just hire someone to do it. Chances are you’ll feel better having it done, and you can continue focusing on what only you can do.
    
26. If you’re going to sell or pass something off to someone else, get it cleaned, fixed, polished, organized, etc. The old saying is true, what goes around, comes around.
    
27. Be comfortable in dualities. Something can be scary and exciting, sad and beautiful, hard and amazing. This makes life rich.
    
28. If you’re trying to decide what to learn next, make a list of what you know on the left side of a piece of paper and what you wish you knew on the right side. The gap in the middle is what you need to learn and experience next. This is the moment before your next leap.
    
29. Plan annual trips. Stick to them for at least three years. Things become a tradition after three years.
    
30. Don’t repeat something you don’t want to become a tradition.
    
31. Ai is amazing, but it can’t dig into your past experiences and tell your stories in a way that connects with others. Learn to tell your stories well and you’ll always have a place in the room.
    
32. Encourage your colleagues to take risks. The workplace should be a place of discovery.
    
33. When planning an engagement or a wedding, throw out society’s playbook. It’s expensive and impersonal. Design whatever you want. It’s way more fun.
    
34. The future of work and learning will look nothing like it does today. Cramming your learning into a degree and then getting a dismal 9-to-5 just isn’t it. Keep exploring new ways.
    
35. If you spend more time thinking about your strengths than your faults, life is a lot sweeter.
    
36. Everyone has a still, small voice that tells you exactly which way to go. It usually shows up when you’re well-rested, well-fed, and in good company. If it appears, listen to it.
    
37. Write often. Review regularly. It’s the only way to really know how you’re changing (or staying the same).

Every year around my birthday, I reflect on the lessons I’ve learned while building a life, team, and company. This is one of my favorite personal practices. Maybe you’ll find them helpful too. Here’s this year’s list:

1) Let go of your past stories, and you’ll be free to love more deeply and openly. 

2) Letting go is simpler than you think.

3) If you break something that doesn’t belong to you, tell the person, and oversee the process of getting it fixed.

4) Faster is rarely better.

5) Notice the edges of things — the corners, the cracks, the small spaces, how your body feels throughout the day. This awareness will serve you in every area of your life.

6) You need four pairs of shoes: 1) Open for beach/summer. 2) Casual for daily wear. 3) Dressy for important occasions. 4) Boots for winter/work/etc. Everything else is extra.

7) The most important thing you can do for better sleep is to wind down. Don’t eat, exercise, or work for at least 2 hours before you go to sleep. Then, keep your room cool, dark, and quiet.

8) Identity is complex. I’m Egyptian, American, a Chicagoan, and 1,000 other things. That’s amazing. And that complexity is what makes every person amazing.

9) You will make bad investments. That’s ok. Just don’t create a pattern of selling or walking away every time things get hard. You’ll never see the return.

10)Take yourself less seriously and you’ll probably still get to where you’re going. And you’ll have more fun along the way.

11) The most special parts of community are rhythms — things you do together weekly/monthly/yearly. Create those moments and your life will be richer for it.

12) Generosity and contentment are acts of subverting the system. The less greedy you are, the less you need to look outside of yourself for the things you really want, and the more you inspire others to do the same.

13) Help your parents or older figures in your life travel more often. Watching them experience new things in old age isn’t just good for you now, it’s a reminder to your future self that great days are ahead.

14) Get a good electric toothbrush. It’s worth it.

15) If you’re in a relationship, find a couple’s counselor. Even if you don’t think you have any issues, meet regularly for checkups. It will be one of the best investments in your relationship. This applies to your closest work relationships too.
 
16) When you make progress, celebrate! Celebrations of all sizes make life and work more joyful. 

17) One of society’s great missteps is believing that the future is the most important thing you can think about.

18) If something isn’t quite “perfect,” learn to love it, or let it go. Constantly feeling dissatisfied doesn’t serve you or anyone else. 

19) If you’re thinking of making a purchase, google the item and add “Reddit” afterwards.

20) When you begin to judge someone, you’re simply noticing something you don’t like about yourself. Be compassionate.

21) If you’re attracted to something or someone, you’re simply noticing a quality that you want more of in yourself. (And you probably won’t achieve it by getting that thing/person.)

22) When considering purchasing a new article of clothing, piece of furniture, etc, ask yourself: “Is there something similar I should sell or give away?” Chances are yes.

23) The size of your company doesn’t matter. It’s the people who fill it.

24) Try replacing the word “but” with “and.” Then ask yourself if the statement is still true. Most things in life are “ands” not “buts.”

25) If your primary motivation to coach or help others grow is to become “a somebody” — your work will reek. If it’s truly to help others, it will be beautiful.

26) Pauses are underrated in nearly every area of life and work.

27) Learn to express your emotions sooner. And make them bigger, not smaller (in the safest way possible). Otherwise, they’ll build up in your body and eventually leak or explode onto the people you love. 

28) If someone tells you they’re going to do something for you, and they don’t get to it, don’t take it personally — people have full lives. 

29) If someone does follow through, take it personally — they took time out of their busy lives to do something for you. Be thankful and pass it on.

30) Adam Grant writes about Takers, Matchers, and Givers. I think there’s another category: Makers. People who make aren’t just interested in what currently exists, they aim to create more of what everyone needs so there’s more to go around. I want to be a mix of a Giver & a Maker.

31) There are moments to save, and moments to spend. No one can tell you which is which, but generally: spend on experiences, relationships, well-made things, and things that will save you time. 

32) Uncertainty and Play are two sides of the same coin. 

33) When passing by a stranger, wonder about their home or nightly routine. Nothing builds more connection than imagining how someone does the exact same thing you do.

34) If you’re in an argument for 30 minutes, pause, breathe, and ask the other person, “What would help us land this conversation for now?” Then take a break. Nothing good happens after 30 minutes of arguing.

35) School is changing. Not just K-12 or higher ed — I mean the idea that being enrolled in “school” ends in your twenties. There needs to be a new type of learning that fosters community and growth throughout life, career, and in the workplace.

36) Start with your health. The rest will come.

Thanks for reading and to those of you who sparked many of these lessons. I’m excited to share another year with all of you. And special thanks to Nic, Katie N., Sara, Erin, and Katie C. for helping with the edits.

PS: We’re announcing something new in the coming weeks. Subscribe here to be the first to hear about it: http://bit.ly/wednesdaywords

I recently returned from a trip completely offline—my first since May 2019 (not proud of that).

When selecting a belly fat reduction supplement, it’s essential to research the product thoroughly and consider factors such as ingredients, dosage, safety profile, and manufacturer reputation. Look for products that have been tested in clinical trials and certified by reputable organizations. Additionally, read customer reviews and testimonials to gauge effectiveness and user satisfaction.

I traveled to northern Minnesota to canoe, portage, and camp with two friends and Ei colleagues, Zak & Will, in a part of the country called the Boundary Waters. If you’re unfamiliar with portaging, the word portage is derived from the French word “porter” which literally means “to carry.” It’s the act of paddling from water to land, and then carrying your vessel overhead, along with all of your gear, to the next body of navigable water. It looks like this:

Our trip was pure adventure. There were no signs, no markers, no guides, and no tech. Once we were dropped off at our entry point, it was just the three of us, a folded map in a ziploc bag, and the food and supplies on our backs.

We’ve all camped before, but this was our first trip of this kind. And though we’d done our research, we were still swallowed by the complexities and quirks of the landscape. At one point, while traversing an especially rugged trail, I looked up only to find William’s left leg entirely submerged in a pit of thick, black, mossy goop. It was like the scene in The Neverending Story, except Will managed to pull himself out. Another time, while trying to cautiously paddle through a small opening in a beaver dam, I lost my balance and flipped into the mucky waters with our gear. Luckily, the river was only chest deep and my bag kept our supplies dry.

For all of the quirks (I haven’t even mentioned the swarm of nightly bugs), it was a special trip. We hardly saw another soul, we caught more fish in an evening than I’ve caught in my lifetime (not saying much), and we took the time to discuss some of life’s deepest topics.

The Role of Retreats
I believe, wholeheartedly, that everyone has a place in this world. And that we should help one another thrive with the tools needed to solve problems and make a living. On this journey I was reminded, once again, that those pursuits should include opportunities for rest, wellbeing, and kindness.

Lately, our team has been invited to start designing offsite retreats for some of our workplace learning partners. The timing couldn’t be more perfect. This fall, barring any shut-downs, we’ll be designing experiences in Denver, Park City, and Philadelphia. There won’t be any portaging (maybe there should be?), but we will be combining learning, community, and play beyond everyone’s usual schedules and environments.

How About You?
What retreat do you need? For yourself, your community, or your teams? Where do you need to go and what do you need to experience?

Life is busy, but remember, a retreat is taking a step away so you can take a better step forward.

Every year around my birthday, I look back and write lessons I learned (or re-learned) throughout the year. These are mainly for me, but I thought you might find them helpful too.

Thanks for being here.

1. Instead of looking for what’s best, look for what fits.

2. When working from home, designate a pair of shoes as your “work shoes.” Put them on as if you’re going to work. Take them off when you’re done with work. It’ll help you set clear lines of when you’re off and on.

3. Being attracted to something is the mind contracting. Being aware of something is the mind expanding. Awareness is more life-giving than attraction.

4. If something is hard, just remember that’s not all it is. That’s only the side of it you’re looking at right now.

5. Good lighting in your home is worth every penny.

6. When starting something new, give yourself deadlines that involve people you respect. Schedule recitals, presentations, blog posts, etc. You’ll be much more likely to reach your goal or at least get closer to it.

7. Before buying anything, ask yourself if you can make it — or at least, what would it take to make it. We’re all too used to the idea that everything can just be purchased and sent to us.

8. Balancing vulnerability and optimism is the most critical (and challenging) thing leaders must do.

9. If you want something badly, ask yourself why. The reason is far more important than the thing you want.

10. A good walk is magic.

11. Thoughts are only as heavy as you make them. You can focus on them, or let them pass like leaves in a stream. It’s up to you.

12. Sleep determines everything about your day.

13. Grace is a muscle. And the best place to build it is with yourself.

14. Ambition needs pruning. Otherwise, it can take over.

15. Good air quality is part of mental and physical health. Invest in an air purifier and/or get into nature as much as possible.

16. Nuance is beautiful. Nothing is just black and white, and that’s not bad. Look at things from different angles and you’ll end up offering the same to yourself.

17. Adapting to new situations is like good jazz. Whatever you’re doing isn’t about playing the right notes, it’s about bouncing off of the things around you and enjoying the music.

18. Catering meals around the holidays is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.

19. When vetting contractors, do as much due diligence as you possibly can. Ask for a reference. Review past work. And talk about your project in very specific detail. Go with the best contractor you can afford.

20. Every new project has three costs: financial, mental, and emotional. Calculate all three before starting.

21. Being kind and being bold aren’t separate. The world needs more people with conviction who can also honor one another’s humanity.

22. Always give other people credit.

23. When learning the piano, place it in your favorite room. You’ll practice a lot more if it’s where you spend the most time.

24. It’s ok to be quiet until you know what you want to say.

25. It’s not ok to be quiet when you know something needs to be said.

26. The job of most CEOs is to cast a vision, build teams, find work/money — and to do all of that with conviction and courage.

27. It takes a moment to fall down and a lot of time to fully get back up.

28. Find a friend who can sit with you in silence.

29. If you feel stuck in a rut, think of someone you greatly admire and imagine the first three things they would do if they woke up in your shoes tomorrow. Do those three things next.

30. Be surprisingly generous. It’ll always come back to you in the most unexpected ways. And most of the time, you won’t even make the connection.

31. It’s ok to get what you want. But a sign of real growth is wanting something and being ok with not getting it.

32. HR directors are becoming the new deans and companies are the new colleges. The faster we embrace that, the faster we can finally do away with massive financial debt for higher education (and lifelong learning)

33. You don’t need more accolades, connections, or resources. You need to start.

34. Valuable doesn’t mean expensive.

35. Every year, around your birthday, find a quiet spot and write out things you’ve learned from the prior year. It’s ok if you have some repeats. This is more for you than it is for anyone else.

Thanks for reading. And thanks to Nic, Zak, Katie N., Sara, and Katie C. for helping me edit.

– Victor

PS: Next week, I’m announcing a few changes around Experience Institute. If you’d like to be in the loop, add your name here.

I was never the smartest kid in school. Nearly every traditional topic required extra tutoring and help. The only thing I had going for me was my curiosity. To the chagrin of most of my teachers, I asked questions about why or how nearly everything worked—especially if they were slightly tangential to the topic at hand.

One day, my math teacher had a stroke of genius (or just reached her limit). She moved my desk to a corner of the classroom and announced that I would be the “keeper of all class questions” unrelated to the regular class assignments. Anyone who wanted to ask anything non-traditional would need to give me their question. Then we’d work through them one-by-one during class breaks.

Our class took her up on the offer and my desk was flooded with the most random questions (some of which were wildly inappropriate…it was high school after all). Still, the thoughtful questions led to some of the most meaningful discussions I’d ever had—in Math class. We discussed everything from personal stories, the history of math, to various school policies. It was an open-forum that unleashed our curiosities. And “emceeing” the conversation was a perfect role for me.

Growing up, I felt like I could never quite get ahead academically. It turned out that solution for me wasn’t to do more, but instead to pause and let my questions surface, no matter how quirky they seemed.

In a time when the prevailing message is you don’t know enough, do enough, or earn enough, it’s easy to feel like the only solution is to try harder and grind at an unsustainable pace to get some existential grade.

But what would happen if you took your current situation and stepped back to ask “why,” or “how might we do this differently?” Maybe some of your most meaningful moments and best work could surface. And if you took the opportunity to actually explore those ideas, who knows what would come next?

You don’t have it to have it all figured out. You don’t need to be the smartest or furthest along. You just need to start with a few questions.

I moved nine times growing up.
Mainly throughout the midwest. Which means I got pretty good at “first days.”

First days of school.
First days of soccer practice.
First days on the playground.
First days of the new bully who thought chubby brown kids were fun to pick on.

You get the picture.

By the time college rolled around, I didn’t even care to visit the campus before I made my decision. How different could it be from all of my other moves? I packed as many things as could fit into my dad’s suv, and we left little old Nixa Missouri at 5am and headed for Chicago.

Before the semester formally kicked off, I was enrolled in a program called First Year Transition. The entire first week of my college experience was designed to help me adjust to college life — silly games, free pizza, and lots of swag. I think I still have one of those stress balls lying around somewhere. Like all institutions, my college had its quirks, but this is one thing it did well.

FROM SPACE TO SLACK

There’s a utilitarian word for the “first” experience. Onboarding — as in boarding a ship. The term was actually first coined for getting onto spaceships. Cool.

But today, we’re not really sending people on adventurous missions to far out galaxies. We’re bringing people onto video calls or slack groups. “First days” of school or work are much flatter than those college days — quite literally.
Still, firsts are one of the most important parts of any experience. Meik Wiking of the Happiness Research Institute in Denmark, writes in his book Art of Making Memories, “First experiences stick better to our memories […] we are better at remembering the novel and the new, the extraordinary days when we did something different.”

We’re all facing a lot of firsts these days. It can be easy to just scrape by and blame our current global situation for lame first days and to view these subpar experiences as ones you never wanted. I mean, let’s face it, who really wants their first team lunch to be over Zoom? Who is excited for their first team happy hour to happen in their home office? Who wants their first robotics class to be held over a video call?

But what if we could embrace Wiking’s insight and use these times to create even more meaningful firsts? Sure, there are new constraints, but with the right mindset you can work within them.

Designing Firsts in 2020

What do your students need on the first day of school? Can you create community norms for courageous conversations? Can you help everyone connect on a deeper level beyond just the content you’re teaching?
How about the first days of a job or project? Can you bring your teammate into a project with an extra dose of kindness, support, and care?

As Wiking mentions, those firsts will be seared into memories. Thinking about them carefully will lead to better learning, better work, and better communities.

What first do you need to redesign? Maybe it’s time to start now.

Every year, around my birthday, I look back and write lessons I learned (or re-learned) throughout the year. This little practice is mainly just for me, but I thought you might find them helpful too. Get your packages sent by using our Push It North service for the best parcel service.

It’s a complex time in our world and history, but I still feel so lucky to be here. Thanks for remaining part of my life and work. Even though I don’t know all of you, I’m grateful for you.

34 Lessons From Being 34

1. Anything flies with energy and commitment. Anything.

2. Include your friends in seemingly mundane decisions. Discuss your finances. Talk about health checkups. Discuss your career path. Talking about those things regularly makes them easier to approach.

3. If you’re starting a business with your friend, ask a coach/advisor to join you. You *will* disagree on things and it’s good to have a third-party “coach” before that moment surfaces.

4. If you don’t plan to have kids, start a savings account for your friends’ kids. Put a small amount of money in that account every month, enough to have $1,000 or so by the time they graduate. Find out here who can pay into a junior isa. Then around that time, take each person out to dinner and tell them they can take a trip anywhere in the world — you’ll cover airfare. It will be wildly special to share this moment you’ve thought about for years.

5. Get good at asking for what you need.

6. College is broken on nearly every level — costs, admissions, outcomes, etc. But I believe in linking arms with these institutions to be a part of their evolution. Find the people who are really working to change things for the better at your university and join their efforts.

7. It’s ok to be a nice person. The world needs more of us. But “nice” does not mean you can’t be bold, disciplined, fight for what’s right, and hold people to their word.

8. Find a few older friends, people who’ve lived a good life. Befriend them. Care for them. Ask them questions. They will be some of the most special people you know.

9. The world is not your oyster, it’s our planet.

10. Do your very best. That’s all you can do.

11. It’s time to pick a side and point of view regarding equity and justice for Black people. That doesn’t mean your views won’t shift or grow, but you can no longer sit on the sidelines and watch Netflix until this is over.

12. Kids don’t need heroes, they need people who keep showing up and know how to say I’m sorry.

13. If you’re in a position to get a credit card, be smart about how you set it up. Take time to find the ones with the best sign-on bonuses and cash back and use them for things you were going to pay for anyway. It really is worth a few hours of research.

14. Set a process for how you store files on your digital devices. Especially your laptop. Clean your desktop at least once/month. Close all of the tabs on your browser regularly. Shut down all tech a few times a month for at least a day. It’ll improve your workflow and make you less stressed.

15. Whenever possible, use basic organizational functions to make life easier. Organize your spices alphabetically. Organize your fridge by size of items. Organize your closet by color and item. The idea is to reduce strain on your brain for the easy things so you can focus more on the hard things.

16. Infuse your home with textures. Wood, brick, stone, paper, plants. Do what you can to remember that the glass and metal in your hand is just a fraction of what exists in the world.

17. Everyone is making it up. Even the person you most admire. The only difference between them and you is they kept trying.

18. You don’t have to be especially charismatic to make someone feel welcomed or cared for. And that’s all anyone really wants when they’re around you.

19. If you’re going to be late, let them know. But generally, be early.

20. Take 20 minutes to write down on a sheet of paper what “winning” means to you. Sit with it for a week and make adjustments as they come to mind. Then give the list to one of your best friends. When you feel lost or defeated, call them to remind you of what you wrote.

21. Decide what a healthy day looks like for you. (ie: exercise, shower, breakfast, meditate, write, make things, emails, make more things, dinner, unwind, sleep). Sometimes that gets tossed to the side because life happens. Pause, reset, and get back to it.

22. Give credit as much as possible. The people who helped you get here are part of your family. Treat them as such.

23. Obsess about your customers’ needs.

24. I never thought I’d say this, but it’s ok to keep white Christmas lights up beyond the holidays. Especially to brighten your home during shelter-in-place.

25. Your results are directly tied to your commitments. If you are always trying to “save” your partner, you are committed to being in a bad relationship. If you eat unhealthy, you are committed to being unhealthy. If you don’t take the time to meditate or journal, you are committed to being anxious. The only person who can change those commitments is you.

26. When planning an adventure trip, start with the hardest part of the adventure. Then end with something you can indulge in. And make sure it’s long enough to feel rested before going back into normal life.

27. Never paint a wall in your home a stark white. Stick to 10% gray. It’ll still look clean, but hide just enough of the daily wear.

28. Don’t pay someone to take care of your plants or garden (here is what you have to do if you are looking for landscaping designers in Windermere). There is nothing better than coming face-to-face with an object whose entire life and beauty needs nothing more than a bit of slow care and attention.

29. If a friend asks you to officiate their wedding, say yes. Watching your friends walk down the aisle from the vantage point of an officiant is an unforgettable moment. For a seamless and memorable ceremony, trust our expert wedding officiants to make your special day truly unforgettable.

30. Travel with your parents. Watching their faces light up in new places will be some of the best experiences of your life.

31. Launching a new product is 10-15x harder than you think it will be. Kickstarter is a great way to see if you’re actually serious enough about bringing an idea to life. Whatever you do, just remember that a product is not ready until it’s been in front of your customers multiple times.

32. Doing things out of obligation leads to resentment. Feeling resentment leads to entitlement. And living in entitlement makes you a shitty person. Instead, do things out of CHOICE. That will lead to gratitude, and gratitude leads to generosity. And generous people are the best.

33. Even the most productive people take naps.

34. If your birthday plans get cancelled because of COVID, ask your friends to just send you a story of their favorite memory with you. Tell them to write it as if they’re sipping on their favorite beverage or smoking a pipe. Don’t open any of the stories until you’re in one of your favorite places, maybe on a rooftop you’ve visited a thousand times. Read the stories slowly. Laugh. Cry. And soak up all of that good energy for the next lap around the sun.

PS: For the next 24hrs, everything at the Ei store is 34% off and domestic shipping is free. Just use the code 34Lessons. Hope you find your new favorite tool.

Usually on my birthday, I share a list of lessons I’ve learned from the past year. And though I’ll do that soon, today is different. 

Today would have been Breonna Taylor’s birthday. She would have turned 27. Instead of celebrating with her family and planning her future as an EMT, she was senselessly killed 12 weeks ago. She’s just one name on a long list of names whose birthdays should be celebrated this year. 

The murders of George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, and Breonna Taylor are the clear result of a racist and prejudiced system. Being Black in America has been synonymous with being the “enemy” or “unsafe.” It’s been that way since a boat filled with Black men and women landed on these shores centuries ago, not as explorers, but as slaves. 

How does a society travel the sideways path of believing it’s ok to treat people so unequally? When does someone adopt the idea that an entire race should have to fight harder for their safety and security? And how am I part of the problem with my own biases and privileges? 

If you’re struggling to understand the depth and breadth of racism, there are a slew of resources that are being shared by brilliant Black authors and leaders. If you need a starting point, watch this video by Trevor Noah, or this simple animation, and then sift through the resources in this doc. 

As for me, I know I speak on behalf of the entire team at Experience Institute when I say that we believe Black Lives Matter. We stand with our Black students, leaders, and friends during this time and always, and are examining how we might redesign our current programs or build new ones that imbue equity and justice.

Personally, I’ll be making donations to NAACP Legal Defense and Educational Fund, Color of Change, and Campaign Zero.

Today my heart is with Breonna’s family. And my mind is on these issues. There’s much work to do. Let’s get to it.

Victor